


What if...

by Sunwolfy



Category: All in the Family (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 08:02:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11459418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunwolfy/pseuds/Sunwolfy
Summary: Archie is being his usual dour self, whilst Edith does her best to deal with him.  Strange events cause him to re-evaluate his treatment of his darling wife.





	What if...

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as though it were another episode. It's not exactly canon but I think still faithful to the spirit of the series. There is some frightening imagery and disturbing situations, hence the mature rating.

Archie Bunker was making his way home after a particularly lousy subway commute. _Geez! People is gettin’ less human every day_ he grumbled to himself. _Sure hope there’s somethin’ good on the dinner table t’night. Edith better not be servin’ one o’ dem weird country meals again._ Just as he opened the door, he was greeted with the familiar “Hi Aaaaaaarchie! How was your day?” from his loving and ever-devoted wife, Edith. Before he could remove his coat and hat, she had her arms wrapped tightly around him and peppered his face with many light, affectionate kisses. “A’right, a’right. Dat’s enough, Edith. Can you at least let me get my hat and coat off foist before you ambush me?” Edith pulled away obediently but still with a smile on her face. He hung up his hat and coat. “I’m tellin’ you, Edith, I don’t know if we’re livin’ in New York or the zoo.” Edith scrunched up her face, thinking very hard. “Wouldn’t we see cage bars if we was in a zoo?” she asked quizzically. He gave her one of his trademark blank stares when completely dumbfounded by her unusual answers. “You really are a dingbat, you know dat? Just get supper on table, will ya? I’m starvin’ here!” “Right away, Archie” said Edith as she zipped her way to the kitchen to get supper served. As Archie sat down, his daughter Gloria came downstairs to join him at the table. “Hi daddy, how was your day?” He brightened up a little. “Oh, hey dere, little goil. Anot’er lousy day at woirk followed by an’ equally lousy commute.” He looked around. “Hey, where’s the Meathead? I figured he’d already be down here chewin’ on the supper table by now.” Gloria was unimpressed. “If you must know, Michael is at the library tonight. He’s got an important exam to study for and he wants to make sure he’s ready for it.” Archie smiled. “Good. Maybe now I’ll be able to have seconds wit’out havin’ to wrestle him fer it.” “Supper’s on!” said Edith as she brought out a casserole dish with what seemed to be mashed potatoes in it. She set it on the table in front of Gloria and Archie. He looked it, unsure what to make of it. “Edith, what’s dis?” She beamed with pride. “It’s Shepard’s Pie, Archie.” “Do I look like a shepard to you, Edith?” Gloria furrowed her brow. “Oh daddy, it’s perfectly good food. It’s got all the stuff you like in it.” Edith nodded. “Yeah, it’s got ground beef, corn, and mashed potatoes all in one serving.” Archie was skeptical. “Sounds good but the only time food should be mixin’ is in my stomach, not before.” Gloria was getting a little irritated now. “Daddy! Why are you always so mean to Ma? She makes you a meal with three things you like and you’re still not happy!” “Let me tell you somethin’, little goil, your mother knew how I liked t’ings for years. It’s up to her to stick wit’ ‘em ‘stead of changin’ t’ings around.” Gloria stared daggers at her father. “Just so you know, you’re not the only one who's noticed Ma. There’s plenty of other men who had a thing for her then, and she still gets noticed from time to time, you know. And lots of men would treat her far better than the way you do!” Archie raised his voice in anger. “Dem t’ings don’t matter no more ‘cause she’s wit’ me, married me, not dem guys. I treat your mother better than a lot ‘o dem guys too. I never hit your mother, but I do remember dat she hit me befor’.” Edith hung her head in shame and said “I’m sorry, Archie.” Gloria’s temper boiled over. “That’s it! I’m done with this! It’s great that you never hit Ma, but she still deserves much better than this! I’m going to the movies to go cool off for now before I really get mad!” She got up from the table, strode across the living room, grabbed her coat from the closet, and before going out the door, turned to her father and said “I really hope that one day you can truly appreciate Ma for everything she ever did for you.” With that, she disappeared out the door, slamming it behind her. Archie, a little stunned by his daughter’s behaviour, turned to Edith and said “Can you believe dat? Where did she pick up a t’ing like dat?” Edith said nothing but began serving the meal.

Supper was quiet with not a word said. After reluctantly eating his meal, Archie sat himself down in his favourite chair, ordered Edith to get him a beer, and settled down to watch tv. He lit up a cigar while Edith cleared the table, washed the dishes, and put everything away. With everything finished, Edith now sat in her designated chair, put on her reading glasses and was making her way through a recent copy of Reader’s Digest. Archie began channel-surfing after blowing his daily raspberry to Walter Cronkite. Edith was never amused by this little ritual but it did mean that everything was normal in the household and, for her, that meant she didn’t have to worry about anything. She was a little upset by the fact that Gloria had yelled at her father and stormed off before eating supper but it was probably for the best. Gloria was very much like her father and those two could really rile each other up if given the chance. Edith started thinking about what her daughter had said about her. She wasn’t wrong in saying that she had caught more than one man’s eye in her younger years. Even now, men still looked at her and offered to help her with her shopping bags. She began to wonder how many of those men were interested in more than just her bags. Her mind was wandering and she thought about the sweet young man she let get away when she went steady with Archie. Freddy Whithousen, a hot tar watcher back in the day. He was a very respectful, friendly, helpful, and romantic young man. She thought back to that weekend she spent with him at his parents’ cabin. Even though the date was platonic, Edith smiled warmly every time she reminisced about it. Her smile widened ever so slightly when she remembered how jealous Archie got when he found out. It made her feel needed. “What are you smilin’ at, Edith?” Archie said, instantly snapping her out of her daydreaming state. “Oh, nothin’ important, Archie” she said, deciding to keep those private thoughts to herself. He brushed it off. “Well, nothin’ good on tv t’night. T’ink I’m gonna go to bed.” “I’ll be right up, Archie.”

The Bunkers changed into their nightclothes and climbed into bed. There was a slight squeak from one of the coils in the mattress that would announce anyone entering or leaving the bed. Archie wished he could get rid of that pesky squeak but a new mattress was out of the question. The lights were turned off and they both settled in. Suddenly, Archie felt a warmth on his back. An arm wrapped around him, a hand gently touching his chest. He felt his wife’s hot breath against his neck, her nose playfully nuzzling his ear. “Umm, Edith?” “Yeah, Archie?” she whispered into his ear. “Now darling, normally I would love to take you up on dat offer but somet’ing just ain’t sittin’ right.” He brought his hand up to his chest. Edith’s tone went from lustful to concerned in half a heartbeat. “What’s wrong?” Archie cringed a bit. “I t’ink it’s just some heartburn.” “Oh my. Maybe I put too much seasonin' in the Shepard’s Pie.” He shook his head. “Don’t be worryin’ yerself for nothin’, Edith. I’ll just go pop a few Tums or somet’ing. I’ll be fine.” Edith wasn’t so sure. “Maybe I should call Dr. Shapiro so he can have a look at…” “Don’t you be callin’ no doctor in da middle of da night! Geez! Do you know how much they charge for a house-call dis late? N. O. !” The dreadfully worried face Edith wore made Archie relent ever so slightly. “A’right. If dis don’t get better by mornin’, I’ll go see the doc.” “Oh Archie, thank you so much!” She covered him with little kisses before turning around and going to sleep. Archie got up, popped a few antacid tablets and headed back to bed in the hopes that this pain would go away and he could then make love to his wife. Edith may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but when it came to the bedroom, Archie never felt deprived. _I sure hope I’m gonna be ok_ he thought to himself before sleep overcame him.

Archie awoke with a strange kind of headache. He still felt sick to his stomach, almost feeling as though he might vomit. The air felt heavy, with an odd odour that he recognized as sulfur. _Dat can’t be right, the furnace ain’t even turned on yet._ The room seemed much darker than usual as his eyes strained to see, well… anything. He tried to sit himself up in bed, only to notice that the mattress itself felt kind of slimy, and the blanket felt as though it was moving. “Uh, hey Edith. You up?” he said, reaching over to awaken his sleeping wife. His apprehension about the darkness and unfamiliar smells and sensations turned into absolute terror when his hands, upon reaching his wife’s face, came into contact with something smooth but somewhat angular, like bone. The room began to brighten a bit on its own, no more than a distant fire’s flicker of brightness at most. Archie’s eyes opened wide with fear as he was able to finally see what he had touched. There, instead of his wife’s sleeping form, was a skeleton in Edith’s nightclothes covered with still-damp sinew hanging from the various bones. His eyes were drawn away from one horror and towards another; the moving blanket which turned out to be a slithering collection of snakes. He screamed and flew out of the slimy, snake-filled bed. His heart was pounding, his hand clutching his own clothes to his chest. He felt movement in his clutched hand. Fearing to look down but steeling himself to do so anyway, he realized he was holding a handful of maggots. His nightclothes were nothing but a layer of maggots covering his body. He shrieked and began brushing them all off of him. The sick feeling in his stomach intensified and he vomited. Coughing and sputtering, Archie did his best to find his footing and try to figure out where on earth he was and what in the hell was going on. He reached out to find the walls of the room. Upon contact, the “walls” felt as though they were made of warm, slimy, veiny flesh, and appeared to “breathe”. Suddenly, one of his hands touched something cold and smooth. It felt metallic with defined borders. _A door!_ He pushed on it and it moved a little. With some hope at last, he placed both hands on the door and pushed as hard as he could. The door opened and he zipped out of the room. He found himself in a hallway with blood-red flayed flesh walls lined with dimly lit torches that looked like a burning skeletal hand holding a ball of flame. All along the walls were more rusted metal doors set at equal distances from each other. Strange symbols were crudely carved on each door. The door Archie opened had swiftly slammed itself shut behind him, causing him to scream. In that very moment, he came to the realization that he was naked. He looked around to see if there was anything he could use to cover himself up but found nothing. He noticed that the floor was warm and damp. Red liquid pooled where it seeped from the stitching holding the flayed skin walls together. He came to the sick conclusion that this was probably blood. From the corner of his eye, he noticed a moving shadow. He saw another shadow on the other side. Before he could even think about what to do next, two tall, black-skinned, twisted figures flanked him. Their heads were that of misshapen goats with long curved horns. Their feet were cloven hooves and their ebony skin was streaked with orange-red fire where it was cracked. Their hands had long fingers, long black claws, and their palms orange with liquid fire. They grabbed Archie’s upper arms and carried him off. He cried out in pain as their fiery palms seared his flesh. Without a word, without a sound, they whisked him down the hallway. Dizzy with pain, he felt himself starting to lose consciousness. At some point, he sensed they had stopped moving. The burning hands released their grip and he fell to the ground in a heap. He breathed deeply, trying hard to mitigate the intense pain coming from his arms. Struggling to get himself upright, he pushed up from the black stone floor into a sitting position. He opened his eyes a little wider to see that the two creatures who carried him were still standing beside him, motionless. They reeked of sulfur and heat emanated from their bodies. Archie looked around to see that he was in a very large room with a lava pit, a wall of fire surrounded the room, bone shards randomly jutting out of the black stone floor and a dais made of bones upon which sat a large throne carved out of the same black stone as the floor. The throne itself was covered in carved runes and various flayed skins were draped over the seat, back, and armrests. On the throne sat a larger, dark figure. It was similar in appearance to the other creatures, but bigger, and the head was more humanoid. Archie’s eyes could hardly focus through the tears that filled them because of pain. He wanted to stand upright but found he had no energy to do so. He heard a flapping noise and saw the figure approaching him, flying on bat-like wings in an effortless glide. The distinctive sound of hooves on stone could be heard only a few feet away from him. “Archie Bunker” said the creature in a surprisingly pleasant-sounding voice, “Welcome to my realm. Forgive my guards’ rather crude manhandling of you. They are quite mindless.” The creature waved the guards away. Archie could see that this might be the only being who could provide him with the answers he had been seeking. “Um, who are you an’ where am I?” The creature’s laugh was quite unsettling. Archie shook when he heard it. “My, you really are clueless, aren’t you? Not surprising considering what you’ve just been through. Welcome to Hell.” Archie’s eyes widened in horror and hoped beyond hope that this was all some really sick and cruel joke, third degree burns notwithstanding. “I go by many names.” said the creature. “Pick whichever you prefer: Beelzebub, Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Satan, Diablo, Samael, Devil… I could go on and on.” All the blood drained from Archie’s face and he was white as a sheet. “Naw, it can’t be! I was in bed with Edith an’ just fell asleep is all!” Lucifer pointed a long sharp black nail to Archie’s chest. “That was not indigestion or heartburn you felt. That was a heart attack. You died in your sleep. That is why you are mine now.” Archie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All this time he thought that when he died, he’d be heading for the bliss of Heaven, not the torturous pits of Hell. After all, Edith was representing the whole family when she went to church every Sunday, or so he thought. “Shouldn’t I be up in Heaven? I mean, I gotta be in the wrong place!” he pleaded. Lucifer roared with heinous laughter. “You? Heaven? Ridiculous! I cannot say the same about your wife.” He sighed almost wistfully. “She is truly an exceptional individual. Even in life, her soul shines so brightly that I cannot bear to look upon it. She is already an archangel albeit a living one. Hmm, how ironic that a person with such darkness in their heart could marry someone with such a pure one.” Despite the terror, Lucifer’s mention of Edith caused Archie to think about her. The thought of her warmed his heart even in the deepest reaches of Hell itself. _Edith, my love, I’m sorry you’re all alone now. I never meant to leave ya like dis. I t’ought I had more time. I hope ya can manage wit’out me. Please take good care o’ Gloria… and maybe the Meathead too since you’re all good like dat._ Archie may have only thought it to himself but it was obvious that Lucifer had somehow heard it as well. “Interesting. I had no idea your love for your wife ran so deep, especially with the way you treated her in life. You may never have struck her, but that does not mean that you did not injure her in other ways. God is not the only one who has heard her sobbing after an act of cruelty was committed against her. I have taken note of each one and I must say, the list is quite impressive.” Archie felt any remaining strength leave him and put his hands on the ground to keep himself from falling over. “I didn’t mean no harm. I just wanted to do right by her. Do what’s right for her. What happens to me… it don’t matter no more.” A particularly evil grin crossed Lucifer’s face. He walked up close to Archie and whispered “I do go by another name, one less spoken than the others. Some call me the ‘God of Second Chances’. I find you fascinating and would be willing to grant you a ‘second chance’ at your life.” Archie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was it indeed possible to go back to the land of the living once more, leaving behind this wretched nightmare and maybe even being able to correct some mistakes along the way to ensure he wouldn’t be coming back here when his time was really up? He knew he would be making a deal with the devil, quite literally, but the only thing he wanted more than anything was to get back to living his life that had been cut short. There had to be a catch though. “Hey, Devil d’ere, what’s the catch? I mean, d’ere’s gotta be somet’ing you’re wantin’ in return” he gulped uneasily. The evil grin returned. Lucifer shrugged his shoulders and said “No catch. I find you very interesting. That is payment enough for me. I am certain you will not disappoint. Now, let’s send you back to someplace more fitting.” Before Archie could fully grasp the situation, Lucifer’s dark hand covered his eyes, the sharp nails biting deep into the sides of his head, piercing his skull and causing drops of warm blood to flow down his face. He cried out at the intensity of the pain and lost consciousness.

Archie awoke with a start, a hand over his heart. He was momentarily blinded by the sun shining through the bedroom window. Suddenly recalling all of the horrors he experienced, he began checking himself for injuries, burns, maggots, and snakes. He appeared to be perfectly fine and by the looks of it, was back in his own bedroom again. “Oh t’ank God, it was all just a horrible nightmare. Huh, I wonder where Edith is? She usually wakes me up when I’m havin’ nightmares.” Archie got out of bed, failing to notice the single pillow on it, and made his way to the bathroom for his usual morning routine. He did take note that Edith’s heavy duty anti-wrinkle cream that she always used (not that it made much difference, she looked the same to him now as she did then) was not there, nor was her hairbrush, toothbrush, or toothpaste. _Maybe she’s out of everyt’ing and went shoppin’._ He popped out of the bathroom and yelled “Hey Edith! You home?” No answer. _Meh, she’ll be back in time to make lunch._ He started to get dressed and noticed his shirts were wrinkled, as well as his trousers. _Geez, Edith! These shirts an’ pants is all wrinkled to hell. She’s never dat sloppy when ironin’. Maybe if I wear ‘em, the wrinkles’ll wear out._ He got dressed, came downstairs and immediately noticed something very amiss with the living room. _Hey! Where’s Edith’s chair? D’ere’s no way dat would’ve broken. Dey build dem t’ings to last. What else is missin’?_ A quick scan of the room revealed that all the statues Edith bought to decorate the house were gone too. He was really starting to worry now. Why is it only Edith’s things that were missing? _She couldn’t have left me… could she? Nah! Dat’s not her style. She loves me. She would never..._ As he was squeezing his hands together in a nervous grip, something felt different. He held up his left hand and saw that his wedding ring that he always wore (he could never take it off) was gone. _Ah no! When did dis happen?! I need help!_ He decided to call his best friend, Barney, over so he could ask him a few questions. Maybe he knows what happened. 

There was a knock at the door. Upon opening it, Barney popped in. “Hi Arch! You sounded like you were losing your mind. You alright?” “I’m not sure, Barn. D’ere’s a lot goin’ on here dat I don’t get. I mean, I wake up from a horrible nightmare and now, Edith’s t’ings is missin’.” Barney looked puzzled. “Who’s Edith?” Archie’s blue eyes opened so wide, his eyeballs were threatening to fall out of their sockets. “Whadd’ya mean ‘Who’s Edith?’. She’s my wife!” Barney’s eyes went just as wide. “Arch, when did you get married again?” “Whadd’ya mean AGAIN? I was only ever married to Edith!” “You havin’ a stroke there, Arch? I don’t know who this Edith is, but your ex-wife’s name is Denise, just so you know.” There was a lump in Archie’s throat. “Denise, the waitress?” “Yeah, don’t you remember? She was servin’ you coffee, the two of you was jokin’ around and you asked her on a date. You married her six months later. Don’t you remember?” Archie felt a headache coming on and decided he’d better sit down in his chair before he passes out. “I dunno, Barn. I don’t remember none of dis. If I married Denise, where’s my weddin’ ring?” “Boy, Arch. I gotta give you credit for forgetting about your ex-wife so well. But if you wanna dig up that grave, Denise left you a year ago. You were sayin’ that she stopped findin’ your jokes funny, was complaining about the way you were treatin’ her and some of the things you were saying about coloreds and stuff.” Archie said nothing but brought his hand to his forehead to acknowledge the headache, then down to his mouth in contemplation. These were all the kinds of things that Edith would put up with from him on a daily basis, but she never said anything about it. His racial epithets and slurs, his insults to her, calling her a “dingbat”, calling Mike “meathead”, getting into arguments with Gloria – Oh God! Archie snapped to attention on that last thought. He jumped out of his chair, grabbed Barney by the front of his coat and said “Barn, please tell me I have a daughter!” Barney, quite shocked, said “Ok, Arch. You have a daughter.” “Really?” “No, I just said that because you told me to.” Archie was defeated. He released Barney from his death-grip and dropped back into his chair. “So, you’re saying dat I ain’t got no kids?” “That’s right, Arch. You really dodged that bullet.” Archie dropped his head into his hands, his eyes tearing up and his voice breaking. “My sweet lil’ goil, Gloria. My darlin’ wife, Edith. My whole family is gone.” Barney, becoming incredibly uncomfortable with the situation, decided to let himself out without another word. Archie just sat and cried for a while.

Unsure of exactly when he fell asleep in his chair, he didn’t really care. He felt like he didn’t ever want to wake up again. He looked at his left hand again; no evidence that a wedding ring was ever present on his finger. This was probably the worst he’d ever felt in a long time. Just then, he got an idea. Just because he isn’t married to Edith now, doesn’t mean he couldn’t be! He just had to find her and ask her to marry him! He leaped out of his chair with renewed vigor, grabbed his coat and hat and flew out the door like greased lightning. 

He didn’t have much a plan. His thought was just to scout out Edith’s usual haunts in the hopes that he might see her somewhere. He went to the market where Cybil Gooley worked and even got up the courage to ask her. It was strange that Cybil didn’t know him, and even more strange when she said she never knew a woman named Edith. It was very odd that Edith wouldn’t have made her way to the market since she did all the cooking in the house. The last place he could think of was Bloomingdale’s. Just about every woman he knew shopped there. He kept his fingers crossed as he wandered through the crowds, doing his best to think like Edith in order to find her. Suddenly, there it was; that familiar laugh which was like music to his ears. That laugh could only belong to one person: his beloved Edith! Pushing his way through the crowd like a man possessed, he knew he had to find her before he’d lose her voice in the din. He finally caught a glimpse of her finishing up her conversation with a store clerk. As he neared her, he called out her name. “Edith! Edith!” Edith turned to look in the direction of the man calling her name. He stopped just in front of her and did his best to resist the urge to hug her. He was so taken with her that he lost his voice temporarily. “Excuse me,” she said in her usual polite voice “do I know you?” He swallowed hard. “Edith, it’s me, Archie Bunker.” She thought for a minute, then it came to her. “Oh! Are you the Archie Bunker I dated many years ago?” He nodded his head vigorously. “Yeah, dat was me!” “Oh Archie! It’s so good to see you again!” She went in for a hug and he graciously accepted it. He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. It was so sweet and heavenly; he didn’t ever want this hug to end. She let him go and he reluctantly did also. He looked at her up and down and just now noticed what she was wearing. She wore a full-length sable mink coat, a designer dress with shoes to match, a designer handbag, diamond earrings, a gold necklace with multiple precious stones set in it, gold bangles, and several rings each set with precious stones. She looked like a million dollars, both figuratively and literally. The rings caught his eye a second time and he was dismayed to see that the ring finger on her left hand sported a sizeable diamond ring. His enormous smile disappeared and he asked her the question he feared the answer to: “So uh, are ya married?” _Please say no. For the love of God, please say no!_ She beamed at him. “Why, yes I am; very happily married for over 25 years.” It was as if she reached into his chest, ripped out his beating heart and crushed it under those designer shoes. He did his best to keep a friendly face. “Oh, congratulations den. Who’s the lucky fella?” Her smile was so beautiful while her words were killing him inside. “Freddy Whithousen. We dated a long time before we got married.” “I only remember him as a hot tar watcher. What’s he doin’ now?” “Oh, he don’t watch tar anymore. While we was dating, he got terribly ill and couldn’t work for a while, so I took on a job and took care of him at the same time. He almost died but he said because I took such good care of him that’s the reason he’s still alive now. He said ‘Now my goddess of beauty is my angel of beauty too.’” Edith gave a shy giggle at this revelation. Archie felt like his soul was being ripped apart but refused to let it show on his face. “Anyway, after Freddy recovered from his illness, he decided to start his own business with what he learned from working with the Highway Department. I helped him out with that too. We both worked hard but the business grew fast and pretty soon he had to hire other people to work for him because there was too much work for just us to handle. Next thing you know, he was making all sorts of money and he told me ‘Edith, you stood by my side through everything. I’m going to make sure you’re well-kept and you will have anything you want.’ Of course, I told him ‘I don’t need anything. I have you and that’s all I need.’ He still insists on giving me all sorts of presents. The only thing I bought for myself was these shoes because shoes is one thing you gotta try on before you buy them.” Just then, a voice could be heard over the din. “Edith, dearest? Where is my goddess of beauty?” At this, Edith blushed a little. Archie couldn’t help but sigh. Why does she have to look so ravishing, so tempting, so unbelievably beautiful and not be his? _It’s not fair. It’s just not fair!_ he lamented to himself. A well-dressed man in a custom-made suit and designer shoes made his way towards them. “There you are, my darling. I missed you.” Edith’s face lit up as Freddy embraced her and shamelessly kissed her on the lips right there in public. Archie didn’t know how to deal with this. He never would have kissed Edith this way in front of anybody, let alone a crowd of people in a busy store. The love in her eyes was unmistakable and he came to the realization that this is what she wanted; a love that wasn’t always hidden away in a dark bedroom, but one that could be celebrated anywhere, no matter who was around. Being a prude certainly cost him dearly. Freddy smiled warmly at his wife and just then realized that she had company. “Oh honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t notice your friend.” He turned to Archie. “Forgive my horrid manners. I’m Freddy Whithousen.” He extended his hand in a most professional manner. “Archie Bunker” Archie replied, firmly grasping Freddy’s hand. “A pleasure to meet you. Any friend of my angel is a friend of mine.” Edith giggled again. Freddy’s smile was handsome, warm, and very friendly. It was hard not to like him. He was extremely personable and polite. No wonder Edith was so taken with him. Archie’s stomach knotted up. In the end, he really didn’t stand a chance. Freddy was everything he wasn’t. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Edith so incredibly happy and for so long. All he ever did was berate her, call her “dingbat”, and insult her. Not once did Freddy treat her this way. He called her “goddess”, “angel”, “dearest”, and “honey”. He felt like such a fool calling her “dingbat” as a code word for “darling” when they first dated. Freddy turned once again to Edith and said “My love, I hate to rush you but if we don’t get to the restaurant soon, we’ll lose our reservations.” “Oh my goodness. We’d better get going then. I had no idea it was that late.” She turned to Archie one last time and said “It was wonderful seeing you again, Archie. I hope we can meet again another time.” Her smile was to die for. “Yeah uh, same to you, Edith.” Then, in perfect step, Freddy and Edith turned and walked towards the limousine that was waiting for them, with Freddy’s arm wrapped lovingly around Edith’s waist. The two lovebirds climbed into the limo; Freddy helping her into it first, then disappearing into it himself. As the vehicle drove off, Archie felt completely drained. He had lost everything he held dear. Everything he ever wanted, everything he ever loved, left in that limo. Truly depressed, he started towards the subway to make his way home.

He unlocked the front door to his home, 704 Hauser Street, and walked in. He dragged his heels as he hung up his coat and hat. He opened the closet door only to see his own things in there. A tiny part of him still hoped he’d see something of Edith’s, something to say that she was his once. The house felt so empty without her presence in it. He’d always thought that Edith dying would be the worst thing he could ever experience. No, this was far worse than even that. She was never even with him to begin with, and yet he can still remember all those years of marriage to her. As though on cue, a heavy rain fell, perfectly matching Archie’s mood. He made his way slowly to the kitchen to investigate the refrigerator. He found a multitude of leftovers from various fast food places as well as a healthy supply of beer. He initially reached for the leftovers but pulled away again, deciding he wasn’t hungry. He grabbed a can of beer and returned to the living room to sit in his chair. He opened the can, brought it to his lips, and hesitated. Without warning, he angrily threw the full can of beer against the wall. Beer spilled all over the wall and floor. Still angry, he found he couldn’t sit still. He went upstairs to the bathroom and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. “You really blew it dis time, you meathead” he said to his reflection. “You had it all, an’ money had nothin’ to do wit’ it. You had the best wife in the woirld. You was married to an angel, an’ you screwed it up! Even if you would’a been a lil bit nicer to her, it would’a made her so happy.” He stared daggers at his reflection, getting angrier by the second. “YOU’RE A DINGBAT!!” he shouted, then forcefully punched the mirror, instantly shattering it. He had cut up his knuckles on the broken glass but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered to him anymore. A trail of blood droplets led from the bathroom to the bedroom, blood dripping from the open wound on his hand. He made his way to the bed, finally noticing the single pillow where two pillows were normally nestled together. “I can’t take this no more.” he said to no one in particular. He laid down on the bed, fully clothed, blood slowly seeping into the blanket. He stared at the ceiling and said “Well, I hope you’re happy wit’ everyt’ing you seen so far. ‘Second chance’, ha! I t’ought I went t’rough Hell before. I was wrong. DIS is Hell! My Hell. Life don’t mean nothin’ wit’out love in it, and you took it all away. Dis life means nothin’ to me. Take it back! TAKE DIS LIFE BACK!! If I gotta live wit’ snakes, maggots, and fire demons, den FINE! I don’t care no more! TAKE. IT. BACK!!”

“Take what back, Archie?” said the sweet familiar voice he loved so much. Archie’s eyes snapped open. He was back in his own bed again, in his own bedroom, with Edith looking over him with great concern. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Was this all a trick? An illusion? Another dream? “Edith! Oh Edith, my love, my darling. Is it really you?” At this, she was a little dumbfounded. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s me; but I’m not so sure you’re you.” “Oh believe me, I’m me. I’m just uh, a little more humble now, y’know?” He was still a bit skeptical. “Can I see your weddin’ ring a minute?” “Oh sure, Archie. It's the one you gave me on our weddin’ day.” She was indeed wearing the wedding ring he had given her that day. It was small and pathetic compared to the one Freddy Whithousen gave her but that made no difference to her. The symbolism was still the same. “Does dis mean you’re still my wife, Edith?” “Oh Archie, of course I’m your wife. I been your wife for over 25 years now.” Archie’s eyes welled up with tears. “Oh Edith, my angel!” He grabbed her, pulled her down on top of him and kissed her deeply. She was shocked at first by the sudden display of affection but quickly ran with it. Archie’s hands seemed be everywhere at once. They paused their passionate kiss briefly to catch their breaths. “My goodness, Archie” Edith said between heavy breaths “what’s gotten into you, not that I’m complainin’ of course.” “Edith, my love, it’s a long story dat I’m not sure you’d believe if I told ya. But I’ll tell it to ya… tomorrow mornin’.” “Why can’t you just tell me now?” Archie’s eyes went from playful to predatory. “Because d’ere’s somethin’ else I gotta do right now.” “And what’s that?” she asked. With a salacious grin on his face, he replied “You.” She blushed and that was it. He kissed her again and he shifted their bodies so that she was beneath him. “Archie” she panted. “Yes, darling?” he replied. “Don’t you want the lights out?” He smiled warmly at her and said “Angels don’t live in the dark, Edith.” He pressed his mouth against her neck, and she moaned loudly. In over 25 years, Archie never made love with the lights on. His nightmarish experiences made him realize what was truly important and he would never take that for granted ever again.


End file.
